My magic kindom

Some parents have always been  very… ahead  with stuff regarding the truth of life being told to their kids.

I am a different kind of parent and just like any other parent, I see my way like being The Way.

Motherhood is like a kingdom and every kingdom has his own rules.

My kingdom goes by “be a kid as much as you can ” rules. I am not in  a rush of telling them that life is tought and that’s it!

Dennis,  my oldest , sometimes revolts against the rules of the kingdom:

“Mom, don’t you think they should know that there is no Santa?!” (he forgets that a little while ago he was falling asleep on the sofa waiting for Santa)

No, I don’t think so. We believe in Santa, we believe in the Tooth Fairy, we believe that Mickey Mouse(daddy’s boss)  is for real!

And, and… most of all, we believe that mom is magic and she won’t ever die!

Why is it wrong to make it last while you possibly can?!

While I believed in Santa, I believed in secret powers, I saw the world as a beautiful place, my dreams were high and everything was easy!

That is how a child should feel!

Magic is like love. We went trough a lot in life didn’t we? We suffered from love for sure! Should I tell my girl that  is not worth it? that first love and the first kiss, are just ..learning how to cry?

Who am I,  to blow that away?

I even think that all of us should still feel or let some magic in their life, believe in some crazy things, I think none of us should stop dreaming. But them??

My kingdom says yes to the dreamland, fairy’s and magic.

Jude , after one of his meditations said to me:

“Mom, I imagined ourselves in this big house, with a  huge swimming pool and my room looked as a spaceship!”

Some people think that I should’ve  said:

“My angel , these are just dreams, you should imagine that our car starts in the morning!”

Cruel!! Wake up to the reality in other words!

No! I said ” That’s great Jude! You should dream about that house as many times you want or remember. I am sure that one day will be yours. You can have everything you wish, you just need to believe and fight for your dreams!”

The tooth fairy writes  letters to the kids that lost a tooth. She tells them if they were good or bad with they teeth, if they make her proud or they should improve.

The Santa comes in mom’s computer and talks to us while he is opening our letter and calls our names ( a brilliant computer program).

Magic is great while it lasts. Why should I take the magic away sooner?  Magic doesn’t come back.!

Most of us misses  being a child.

“When I was a child and people would ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I used to  answer that I didn’t know.

If someone now will ask me what I want to be, I would answer that I want to be a child again. I know the answer now.”

Yes, because being a kid is magic, we miss the magic!…

Whoever as an adult reaches a level of understanding,  gets to the point when he is strong and wise enough to look at life with joy, whoever is able as an adult to understand and grow love not as a passion but as a supreme power, to give love back to the world, to the ones that don’t know yet what love is, that can lead and help people to see above their bills and ordinary life issues, these people will always have  a bit of magic in their life, these people are not afraid to dream and by rule,  they will always have more dreams came true then the ones that are afraid to dream.

 My kingdom loves, my kingdom dreams, my kingdom likes magic.

advice to a friend

 

My best friend called today and was very upset about something that happened in his family,that hurts his feelings and trust.

We all know how much, things or words that come from the loved ones, can hurt …

How many times , nights, hiding  or not our tears, we waste in our try to understand the reason why it happened, the big WHY ME??

As I said many times, life does not come with instructions and the rules  of one story don’t apply  to other.

We can make our own rules and write down the solutions, the conclusions, analyze  and make sure you respect and go by these rules in order to not happen again.

Well..it does.People are all different, they come with principles and data that you might not have. They come with different models of life, they respect other ideas , they go by other rules. But still..

The thing is that most of the people don’t spend the time with them selfs to understand, they just don’t have the emotional sensibility to go deep and look for reasons for witch things happen in their life..    How many times we don’t talk with the person we love about what it bother us, about feelings and ways you see and understand things. ??In that meant to be a deep conversation , they come up with something like: “Did you bought bread today, cause I forgot!”

It happened to me and in stead of making me sad, made me laugh! Yes! Laugh! why? It’s simple. We made our choice to be with certain people for a thousand good reasons, to witch add up other in time for sure. We accepted them or didn’t want to notice on their flaws.

It was our choice , even if maybe mom or big sister told us that we should pay attention to this or that.

NOW, I am not saying that we should accept people that hurt us or treat us bad saying:” That was my choice!” No. I am saying that if in top of the thousand reasons for which you have chosen that  person  in the first place, you added up during the time together , other reasons and beautiful things that made you better and made him worth it , then , the fact that he remembers that he didn’t buy bread in the middle of a deep conversation, shouldn’t make you cry, but laugh!

People are not perfect, but this not perfect person, might be the father of your child that you love so much. He was sensitive and deep enough to give you a reason to fight, to smile, to be happy. The fact that you are deeper   and that you spend quality time with your self to understand you, doesn’t make you better or him worse , just different .Its a choice and maybe a privilege that you carry with you and you should do it with pride.But still,.. how many times he might be talking about something really important for him that you listen just for listening..?

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My advice to my friend? Go over it, if you truly have the capacity to understand things at a deeper level, then you certainly have the capacity to understand that that person is the one you love for many reasons, is just that it doesn’t have that particular emotional sensibility.

Fine he or she is not perfect, but you aren’t either , so just go over it and don’t try and change them, just nicely, show them that you would’ve like to have done or said in a different way whatever he is done or said. Lead them and maybe one day they will understand. Don’t make halls in your relationship .

We also need to lead and give an example to our kids . The memory of us, that they will keep with them over the years is important.

You don’t want them  to remember you crying, trying to change the one they love anyways .

You want them to remember you  happy. Give an example of life , help them to start the day with a smile not a tear.

 

 

 

appreciation

Life is a funny thing. I never get tired of analyzing or remembering.

Outside is cold and cloudy and for some reason i remembered Romania ..many  years ago..

When I was about 9 I used to take the bus to the town and do stuff, whatever my mom was sending me to do. That one time it was my math teacher. She used to take me to her place and i used to do things in change of extra classes. I needed because math was not my strong point.

That night I had to go to the pharmacy to get her something  and on the way back i passed this beautiful church.

I used to admire churches but always avoid them , i was afraid  because every time I passed one, it was a funeral going on and in Romania is a bunch of people crying and blocking the street completely .You get stuck and even if you don’t want to see or feel  that sadness, you are force to anyways.

That time was different. It was partially dark  and cloudy, people were rushing down the street making the sign of the cross  fast( they all do that in Romania when they pass by a church  and if you don’t,  people will look at you funny) (  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sign_of_the_Cross  )  and it was very quiet. I also remember that at that time it was very rare that you will see a car passing by .

At the church the lights outside were on and they were candles in the cemetery. Remembering all that I went and look in my diaries from that time and this is what I found.Its funny how I even remembered the color of the notebook where I wrote that.Was easy to find.

What I wrote when i got home(tried to translate)that night of december(25 years ago!!wow I am old)

“His little hands where frozen holding the cardboard that he was carrying with him everywhere. His bare feet, put together , were purple and frozen on the side walk from the corner of the church street. ..I was standing there watching this child sad and lonely. My heart was crying and  breaking in a thousand pieces thinking he was just a child…

No dreams , no chances of getting to far in life, no hopes of any happiness ahead of him, just a child alone in the cloudiness of snowed streets of the gray, dark  city. I watched him for a half of hour unable to blink even leaving aside moving  . He had this tiny face with fine lines, baby lines like, too young,to fragile..The streets with their dust and snow, the streets were the place they live,the place they are born, the place they grow. People were passing by, some without even looking  and some with rush and no compassion let to be seen, throwing   1 leu (Romanian money) into his box. It was getting darker. Looking at him I was wondering if he will be able to move, to stand on his feet. It was so cold outside , ice on the ground..he was with no shoes sitting in top of that ice. The wind was dry and was cutting into your skin.I didn’t move that  all time I was looking at him and i already couldn’t feel my feet. The kid did got up and slowly start walking towards the church . He was stepping careful , in a slow hop. Just couldn’t stop thinking about the pain he must’ve felt. He passed by me. He was crying..his look felt empty, he was empty inside ..so sad!I wanted to reach and stop him .The first question that came to my mind was: why are you crying? 😦 for which of the hundreds of reasons he might have, he is crying now?

But I didn’t reach, I couldn’t.

He went into the church yard.The candles were lightning  kind of in a nice,warm way the cemetery.I thought he went there to beg but then I saw him making the cross sing and then heading behind the church. I went after him, don’t even know why, but i did. Hiding carefully behind a tree i was watching this kid that seamed to have a ritual ,he  seamed to know what he was doing. slowly and quiet walking down the alee. He stooped at some point and set down  and start taking out stuff from a tiny  bag. He seamed to have chosen  that one spot because they were many candles at that grave,probably a little warmer..I don’t know.I was so shocked that I wasn’t  really thinking straight ,it was no logic involved..I could see in the candle lights that he took out some kind of carpet that he then arranged on the floor.From  the same bag he also pulled  a little blanket. The cardboard went under the carpet and the blanket covering him…yes..he  was going to sleep there. In that late December night, when winter is horrible,in that cold , he was just going to sleep there. He was about five years old..

What was the mistake that this kid was paying for with this miserable life? what did he do wrong? His mistake was maybe that he  has chosen to come into this world!

Was he wanted, was he a drunks night mistake,was he just the result of an unhappy day??Its almost absurd to thing he came from love. where is then his mom,that mom that waited for him, that bright him into this world,that cried when he finally came of happiness?/.Where was his father then? Where was the love send to him from above,where was God now?

In this world where love lost the meaning, a soul was waiting.

In this cold winter night,on the ground of an old cemetery this child was living a life.

So that was what I wrote when i was 9.

You see, back then there was not such a thing as child protection or anything .Kids on the street begging was normal.Is even normal now in Romania. Remembering all that I  now know why I dint hate my life even if it was how it was. I’ve learned appreciation early in life.

Sometimes is hard to appreciate what you have , because probably in top of what you have, you also have a lot of problems. Now, I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do,  is saying thank you. For all I have and all I am. Appreciation is important

.If you want to have more, to ask for more  and to enjoy what you have,  finding smiles every day around you and within you, then you need to be grateful for what you have and what you achieved in life, whatever that is

. There is no little or big in the happiness of a heart.Its just happiness .

There is no Important or Not important in the love that you send to others . Its just love.

If you are grateful and happy ,they will come back to you. If you give love, love will come back to you. Its simply beautiful.

So thank you God or Universe ,or whatever is out there, thank you for my life,for everything I have and I am!!

dreams are free

I was watching a movie with my kids today.I don’t even know the name of the movie .It was about dreaming. day dreaming.

It was a kids movie but looking at that movie from the perspective of the real world and also putting together what has been proved to you so many times..u get to the same point. dreams can became your reality ,dreams are your reality.Whatever you wish you will sooner or later have.

I mean really its as simple as this.

Do you see how the famous singers show up on TV and most of them say: I start singing when I was 5. I’ve always wanted to be famous, I used to sing in front of my mirror and imagine  fabulous things. And today they are up there! Singing ,living their dream !

Then is when comes in another phrase ,  that we hear often: careful with what u wish..  Yes, we might ask for many things , but we  don’t always know how to ask , or even better , we don’t even know we have asked!

I funny example that I have:

I used  to stop at every twin set on the street and always just say: That is so amazing! must be so great to have twins! ah…i wish i would have someone in my family with twins,like this I would have a chance. Half loud, half to my self..but still I was asking something and not even knowing that I do.

A few years later..Universe or God worked at my case and I had triplets! No treatments,no twins in the families..nada!

I have loads of examples like this one.

In this movie I saw tonight,  it said:

What do you do when your dreams are destroyed?   We choose to build, to dream a better dream! We move on and dream.

True. In our days everything costs ,even love in our days costs money!

Dreams are still for free. We can dream all day long. whatever we don’t like in our reality, we can change it into a dream and live that piece of dream in stead of the whatever was ugly .

Its not easy. I am still trying. But  is great for who can! More even..it can became real if you really want to .Just dream on!

Nice dreams everyone! 

The diary of dreams ( how it all started for me)

It was cold, dark and cloudy.  The wind made the sea angry and the sea salt smell was stronger than most nights. After my shift in the dining room was over I went and sat on my bench. The same place I always used to sit, the top deck at the back of the ship, away from the eyes of the guests. I held my knees close together to stay warm, trying to stop my teeth from chattering.  It was cold but it didn’t really matter. I was already as depressed as I could be. There I was in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the ocean, not knowing what I should do or how I should do it.

From over the back of the ship, one deck below, I could hear music and the laughter of the guests. They were happy with no worries. I used to sneak down the stairs and peak through the window. The fancy curtains would always be open a little and I could see them; the happy people.  They were always nicely dressed, enjoying themselves drinking fancy cocktails and dancing. Their kids were running everywhere, also having a great time. That’s when I always stopped looking. That’s all I could take.

I would go back to my bench, be depressed, and usually cry. I would cry until I had no more tears or they were freezing on my face and couldn’t feel anymore. That was the point when I would start dreaming. I would put my arms around my knees and I would dream.

I envied the happy people. I was angry it was them and not me being happy. I would choke down the anger in my throat so that I didn’t scream out loud to God demanding to know why it was them. Why was it them and not me?  Why couldn’t I have my son with me on a beautiful ship having fun? Why couldn’t I be home with him instead of here, on a ship, working like a dog just to put food in his belly and mine?  I would dream about the perfect man.  A Prince Charming who would say; “it’s ok. You don’t have to worry anymore, I am here. You will never need to go away from your son again.”  That was my dream every night after my 12 hour shift.

When I couldn’t cry, or dream anymore. I would go back to my cabin, climb into my small bunk bed and hold tightly to the white t-shirt of Dennis, my son. At least I could dream. No one could take that away from me.

Looking back now I know that dreams are not just dreams. They are so much more. Dreams can be our life. We just need to believe in our dreams and not to let the negativity in life blow them away.
Because  Dreams came true.